The sins of the father
It is the middle of the night. Does the absence of light turn my thoughts to dark topics? Adultery. It is ugly whether you’re a believer or not. I wonder if it somehow creates a heritage in families. It sure seems so in my case.
My mother told me about the time her father was in an automobile accident (probably in the 1950’s). There were two men and two women in the car and he was the only survivor. The newspaper reported that my grandmother had perished along with another couple. However, my grandmother was not in the car that night. It was my grandfather’s mistress that had died.
Of my mother’s 4 sisters, one never married. The marriages of the other 3 all ended in divorce (some of them had another divorce after that, too). I don’t recall the circumstances of them all, but I do remember that one of them unexpectedly came home during the day only to find her husband in bed with her friend.
I don’t know much about my father’s father, except rumors that he was an abusive drug addict. He died when my father was 16.
My father’s sister once ran away with the pastor of her church. Somehow her husband took her back and they are still married. (must be an anomaly).
My parent’s marriage was not pleasant; it was not a peaceful household. I recall vaguely a time when my father seemed to have had a problem with another woman. I was young enough that I don’t remember much about it. Later, when I was in high school/college he began to drink a lot. He did commit adultery this time. It was ongoing and blatant. My mother was humiliated. One night while I was studying for a test in my sophomore year of college (I lived at home and commuted to school), my mother decided she was going to the other woman’s apartment to confront them. I was not about to let my mother face these cruel people alone (and they were both very cruel to her, to her face). We drove to the apartment complex and found the right door. We knocked. No answer. Finally I yelled, not caring who heard me, “Dad I know you’re in there! I have a test tomorrow that I need to study for! You had better come out of there and come home now!” I believe I added some insults about the other woman for good measure and finally they opened the door. My father was crazy drunk, smiling like a fool. He drove his truck home and mother and I followed him. That’s just one of many scenes in those years.
After I married and moved out, my mother finally kicked my father out. He moved in with “her” and a few years later my parents went through the formality of divorcing. He is now married to “her”. My mother remarried and was married for 7 years. He also cheated on her; they divorced, too.
When my father was unfaithful to my mother, I believe a small voice was planted somewhere deep in my heart. It’s almost subconscious and it says in a tiny whisper, “It could happen to you, too”. Do all daughters of adulterous fathers get that little voice? I did. I don’t listen to it, most of the time. But sometimes it rears it’s ugly head. Like last week.
[…] More Than Fine has a written a post discussing her childhood experiences of dealing with divorce and adultery. Despite her efforts, those memories occasionally give rise to worries in her adult life. I think that’s perfectly normal. No matter how hard we try to get past our childhood crap, there are things that stay with us. Her post got me to thinking about my own take on the subject. […]
Pingback by Imperfect Genius » Unhappy Marriages — September 30, 2006 @ 11:37 am
I appreciate the honesty of this post. I, too, am awakened in the middle of the night by a host of worries I would refuse to entertain during the daylight hours but - somehow- during the quiet hours of the night I can’t keep them out. My parents had a troubled marriage, too. (((Hugs)))
Comment by
momof3feistykids — September 30, 2006 @ 12:10 pm
Adultery is one ugly head of sin that has tentacles that spread into just about everyone lives. I have had unfortunate dealings with this and it brought me to a place of understanding about myself. I had in my past based my self esteem into the hands of another person only to be disappointed. This action is to much for any one person to hold up for another. My faith and self esteem are with GOD whom is the head of my marriage. No one else could suffer the weight. I think only when our center is GOD that we can be apart of a relationship that isnt destructive. When you are no longer self centered can you express what love you feel for GOD first, your significant other second and you children third. I know that it is GOD’s love for me which springs my love for others, an infinite well through a finite individual… I would avoid saying that I am above this thinking that I am impervious to this sin but it would be a lie. The first step in this falling is to think you are immune. You stop avoiding it and come face to face with it instead…. So instead I do as Paul did - run away. Not always P.C. but it is easier to live with myself. But what do you do when someone of the opposite sex comes to you in desperate need of help with no one else available? Do you you submit and listen? Do you tell them to wait? Men are unfortunate dummies when it comes to being protective of those considered weaker. -Sorry I wandered there I was thinking about a pastors position of trying to help everyone. I couldn’t run then.. I would Pray.
I hope you can follow the train of thought.
Comment by D — October 3, 2006 @ 3:41 pm
[…] It’s the middle of the night again, just like it was in part 1. I’ve been pondering the movie we saw on Sunday night, The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio. In it, the father has a “drinking problem”. When he gets drunk he becomes extremely violent. My father had a drinking problem, too. But when he drank, he became extremely happy. It was when he was sober that he was violent and his temper flared. I wonder if that’s normal - are some people “happy” drunks and other people “mean” drunks? I’m not sure if one is preferable over the other, but if a person is sober more than they are drunk, then perhaps a mean drunk is preferable to a mean sober person. But I don’t know. […]
Pingback by more than fine » Sins of the father, part 2 — November 29, 2006 @ 2:36 am